What Turns Gold Eyes Cold
by AbsentAngel
Summary: [OneShot] This, is a memory. A story of the past and how it shaped the future. This is the memoir of a cold and heartless man . . . before he was cold and heartless. A Sesshoumaru dedication.


_This story is dedicated to all those with an untold story ñ to all those people who are, and may never be, understood. This, is a memory. A story of the past and how it shaped the future. This is the memoir of a cold and heartless man ñ before he was cold and heartless. _

**(:)(A)(:)  
What Turns Gold Eyes Cold  
By Absent Angel  
(:)(A)(:)**

"Why? Why do you hate him so much?"

The demon lord paused. His hand raised and Tokijin poised to make the finishing blow - his brother's wench draped over his body, shielding him. He didn't care, she meant nothing to him. She would just be another body next to his brother's. But her words . . . her words meant everything. They repeated in his mind mercilessly and unrelenting.

_"Why?"_

She must have noticed his pause, for her watery eyes filled with determination. Holding her lover in her arms, his head to her breast, she screamed at him the one word he couldn't stand. And for a moment his memories flickered, and she was no longer the miko but _**her. **_But the moment faded, and she fell away from him. Leaving the halfling's wench to fill her spot . . . protecting that stupid half breed just like she had done so many years ago.

He felt the familiar jealous anger that always came when thinking of _her._ Always, _she_ had shielded the mutt, always. _She_ would sacrifice their lives to save the hanyou - and yet she couldn't live for him. Never for him.

_"Why?"  
_  
Why did his half brother always have someone to love and protect him? And why did he get stuck with whatever love was leftover? Why did she give up her life to save a runt like him, instead of staying alive and growing old together the way they had planned?

_"Why?"_

Because he could remember every detail of her face - every fleck of color in her endless eyes. He remembered the compassion she felt towards everything around her, how she tried tirelessly to make the world a better place. He remembered her bravery when she first faced him, the newly titled Lord of the Western Lands. How she refused to let him see her charge, his brother, until she had no doubt that he was who he said.

He hadn't always hated Inuyasha. In the beginning it would even be safe to say that he felt a bond with the pup. It could have still been that way . . . if it wasn't for _her_ of course. That beautiful, brave, perfect woman.

His memories of her were endless, and yet there were not enough. There should have been more. They should be making memories _now_, in this very moment. If they were, the memories he did have of her wouldn't plague his mind the way they did. The image of her sitting in that field of grass with a sleeping Inuyasha in her arms, and smiling up at him with such trust, wouldn't make his chest hurt so.

He was young and in love then. Susceptible to blind hopes and foolish dreams. He believed her when she promised to be his forever. Only his. He claimed her under the new moon when his brother wasn't strong enough to go looking for them. He ran his clawed hands through her long tresses, admiring the length and silkiness that was superior to his own at the time. He traced his hands down her body, memorizing every dip and curve that she had given to him that night in the openness of the tall grasses . . . he watched her face change as they brought each other to a new level of ecstasy.

In that moment he understood his father's sacrificial death to save Izayoi and their pup, because he would do the exact same thing for the demon in his arms in a heartbeat. It wouldn't even require a single thought. Love clouded your mind like that, left you charging in head first at even the tiniest threat. As far as he was concerned, now one could so much as touch her with out going through him first. If she died, it would only be because he died before her.

But such was not to be.

When Izayoi's village was attacked he had grabbed his mates arm, fully intent on leading her to safety so he may go back into battle with an unhindered mind. He brought her deep into the forest, where a forgotten cave sat next to the river's edge. She was to run along the river until she she reached his castle walls if she was found. She had mentioned her concern for Inuyasha's safety and her desire to go back if only to save him only once on their way. Naturally, possibly even stupidly, he refused her. Her safety was all that mattered at that moment in time.

And so he left her there, believing that he was leaving her safe. He should have known the moment her lips spoke the pup's name that she wouldn't stay. Looking back he could remember the way her eyes flickered past him, towards the village, when she promised to remain in the safety of the cave walls. When he kissed her goodbye, she deepened it. Passion entangled with something he was unfamiliar with sprouted from her lips . . . only later did he realize that the extra ingredient was an apology.

He should have seen it, but she had never lied to him before. Never disobeyed him when he demanded that she did not. But that night she did, and in doing so was never given the chance to disobey him again.

He was in the midst of battle when he saw her running away from the burning village. A scared Inuyasha in her arms and an angry horde of soldiers on her heels. With one more slash of an enemy's throat he ran after them; his anger blinding him even as his fear fueled him.

He got there just in time to see a soldier's blade bite into her shoulder, the same strike that was meant for the pup behind her. Her eyes to locked with his and a ghost of a tear roll down her cheek . . . He got there just in time for her to mouth an apology before all words died on her lips. That night rage and sorrow made him the most lethal being in Japan. Maybe even the cruelest. For no man was spared that night, not even those who tried to retreat.

After the battle was over he went back to her body, red still tinting his eyes and rage still gripping his heart. When he entered the clearing Inuyasha was on top of her, pushing and poking in an effort to get her up, little tears springing at the corner of his eyes. The pup was thrown aside before his little mind had a chance to comprehend what was happening. And when Sesshoumaru, holding his dead mate in his arms, snarled, he scampered into the protectiveness of the cave. Leaving the Lord with only a bloody body as comfort. But truth be told, all he ever wanted was her. And she was gone forever.

His father's sword could have saved her, but it had disappeared with the previous lord's remains - not to be seen until years later. When her body and soul were far too gone to ever come back. The sword would have been available if his father hadn't died saving Izayoi and Inuyasha. And he wouldn't need the sword if his younger brother hadn't been there for her to protect.

Inuyasha was the one to blame for her death. And with that conclusion he and the only thing he ever loved ran away from that cave; his vengeful mind ignoring the dying cries of his half-brother as he ran out of hearing distance. He never once looked back, and never once regretted leaving him there to fend for himself. Because it was his fault, all his fault that she was dead.

All his fault.

His hand was still raised, poised and ready to strike. Now was the moment that he could complete his revenge. It was obvious that the wench meant something to Inuyasha. To kill her would give him the same kind of pain that he had carried for over sixty years. All he had to do was lower the blade . . .

But that damn woman kept asking the same question. "Why why why?" She wouldn't stop. Even when her sobs caused her to choke on the words, she kept going. "Why why why?"

His anger only rose, and he soon found that his hands were shaking with the force of it. "Because he still has you." His words came out in a bitter confession before he could stop himself. He would have thought that the confession would make him even angrier, but instead, it seemed to do the opposite. Suddenly he only felt the soft throbbing of his heart in his chest as he stared down at his brother's woman.

Her questions had stopped and she simply stared at him in shock and confusion; her mouth opening and closing soundlessly. A huge question in her eyes.

But he ignored it, slowly he lowered his weapon as he stared back at her. His words were true. His hatred for Inuyasha no longer stemmed from the death of his lover, but was rather the jealousy that his brother never truly lost the one he loved. The soul of his first love came back to him with out the help of a sword or a magic potion, but merely out of fate. Inuyasha received the second chance that he never got.

He planted his deadly blade in the dirt, letting it stand there in the cracking earth. With one last glance and no last words to the girl who reminded him so much of _her_, he turned and walked away. Too long had he been driven by jealousy. Too long had he been a captive of false reasoning . . . too long had he followed a path that only disgraced her memory.

He hadn't expected too see Rin standing on the hill behind him, having watched the entire event. Her tiny mouth was spread into a soft smile, her eyes reflecting a level of gratitude he'd never seen the child wear. But if her presence surprised him, her words shook him to the core. Such mature words for a child, words that _she_ would have said. "Sesshoumaru-sama, thank you." And then she hugged him, something she had never done.

Suddenly a thought dawned on him and he stared at the crown of her head as she continued to grip his leg.

Maybe his second chance was given after all. 

**(:)(A)(:)**

This idea has been sitting in my head for a while - originally I planned on making it a chapter story. But after thinking about it I realized that would require me to actually _create_ a character. I liked the thought of her features being unknown to the viewer - I thought it kinda enhanced the feeling that his love was for her and not her beauty. After all, when we're asked about a loved one we describe their character - not their features. Just thought that was interesting.

I'll probably come back and clean this up more later - I want it to be more emotional. I read it and I'm just kinda like, blah. We'll see.

Thanks for reading this fictional piece of mine which of course stars fictional characters that are not. Please don't forget to review!


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